Why can't I ever just be happy?

Canada

I think it has been long enough for me to post another entry, lol.  Well, Steve came down to visit in NY for Thanksgiving and it was incredible!  God, being with him was just indescribable.  I miss him so much and he tainted everything here in the city, I can't go anywhere without thinking of a memory involving him.

A couple of funny stories involving him:

* We went to our first Gay Bar with Matt, Casey and Pierre (<3).  It was hilarious, We got so drunk (I heart gay bars!) because the drinks are so much stronger (and cheaper) then 'straight' bars.  Anyway, some guy hit on Steve when he went to go get me another drink.  He was totally checking him out and Matt ran over and screamed "He's Straight!" and these two lesbians got so insulted for some reason, it was so funny!  Then Matt was picking up the table and screaming and we were all being so loud, hahaha.  Oh man, Just thinking about it makes me crack up!  The ride home was even funnier because Steve was so drunk.  He kept yelling at random people and insulting them and I kept trying to tell him to stop but he was on another planet!  Finally we were on our way home and there was only like 2 maybe 3 people on the train, well I gave him a little suprise while he sat there....wink wink.  After that we came home and embarassed Des and her guests and ran into the bedroom for the rest of the night.  So much fun!

* Steve Kept Wanting to see strange people and he got his wish when he met pidgeon man.  This guy was on the train dressed in a suit and tie and all professional but he kept yelling "COO! COO!" and moving his head back and forth (like a pidgeon).  Steve would immitate this guy for the rest of his trip and it always made me laugh!

*Me and Steve went out for dinner to celebrate our anniversary and we talked about getting married.  We're not ready but we both decided that we want it to be with each other.

Saw this in a friends Journal and HAD to put it in:

The 80's List

-You ever ended your sentence with "psych"
-You solved the Rubics cube... by peeling off the stickers
-You watched the pound puppies
-You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
-You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish
-You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
-You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
-You know what 'Whoa' comes from Blossom
-Three words: M.C. Hammer
-You thought it would be great to have a friend named "Boner"
-You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"
-If you played the chipmunks Christmas album all year long!
-Remember reading Kool-Aid man comics
-You watched Fraggle Rock
-You had plastic streamers on the handle bars of your bike
-You remember When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons
-You wore a pony tail to the side of your head
-You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
-You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school -You made your mom buy you one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side
-You had a Kirk Cameron poster on your bedroom wall
-You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it
-L.A. GEAR
-Your mother wouldn't let you have garbage pail kids
-You wanted to change your name to Jem in Kindergarten
-You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona books
-You know the profound meaning of "Wax on,Wax off"
-You wanted to be a Goonie
-You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing
-You wanted to be on StarSearch
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
-You took Lunch pales to school
-You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf
-You remember the craze, and then banning of slap bracelets
-You still get the urge to use "NOT" at the end of every statement you make
-You remember Hypercolor T-shirts
-Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band
-You remember Punky Brewster
-You loved Howard the duck
-You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up
-You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged "friendship bracelets"
-You ever owned a pair of Jelly Shoes
-After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying "I know you are but what am I?"
-You remember "I've fallen...and I can't get up!"
-You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
-You ever got seriously injured on a slip and slide
-You know not to mix poprocks and soda
-You have played with a 'skip-it'
-You had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's
-You learned oldies songs by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks
-You had a Glow Worm or watched the cartoons
-You remember dancing along with the Bangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian"
-If you remember Heathcliff the orange cat
-You saw the California Raisins Christmas claymation special
-You've gone through this list occasionally saying "That wasn't from the 80's"
-You remember Popples
-DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!
-You wore socks over tights with high-top Reeboks
-You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down
-MISS MARY MACK MACK MACK ALL DRESSED IN BLACK BLACK BLACK.....
-You remember boom boxes instead of CD players
-You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies
-You remember the Transformers
-You know what it meant to say "care bear stare!!"
-You remember Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales
-You remember watching TV thinking Doogie Howser was hot!
-You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Melmac
-You remember the large amounts of hairspray used
-You remember those very stylish headbands
-You remember Rosie the Robot
-You remember the beggining of New Kids on the Block
-You remember watching The Cosby show
-You remember Mr. Belvadere
-You remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future
-You know all the names of the gang from "Saved by the Bell"
-You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "shot through the heart" song (Bon Jovi is still great!!)

When I read this I related with every single one of them.  Dude, the 80's were so cool!!!  Oh, you dear 80's come be my friend again.......

I know I said that Steve has been perfect lately and I think thats why things have changed.  Is it the age?  the person? the situation? 
Sometimes I feel like he's pushing me away because he can't deal with all of this.  Especially since Des is going through something similar to that.  And Steve has been quite two sided lately and I don't know how to deal.  One minute it's I love you so much and  I cant wait to be with you or see you or sleep with you and wake up in your arms....and then the next it's I'll call you back only to not do so or it's I guess we can have sex...if you want to (no thanks, but I'll pass on the pity sex, thanks though).  WTF, is it me?  I tell him I couldn't stop thinking about him all day and I have wanted him so bad and thats what he says to me!   Then he changes the subject to what he had to eat that night.  Great. 
So, I then proceeded to get drunk with Des and we left to go to the bar, both pissed at 21 year old guys. 
We went out and I wasn't nearly as drunk as I would have liked to have been.  Ya know 'Blacking out, falling on the ground and puking my brains out' drunk.  Instead I was 'sober enough to think about what is bothering me but drunk enough to act like a moron in an awkward way' drunk.  Fun.  I hate this shit because when I was dating Jeremiah I was blind to the fact of how horrible he was to me.  And when this happens I feel like I am being blind again.  I'm so afraid of using excessive excuses to make what guys do to me excusable.  A push over?  A stupid little girl?  A blind woman who will do anytihing for someone who shows me love or a naive jerk who will let someone who shows me a little love do anything to me including and not limited to walking all over me? 

P.S. Happy Anniversary Steve....

So Steve has been very perfect lately and I love it.  I can't get enough of him.  He called yesturday to tell me that he bought me a present because he was thinking of me.  I have never gotten a just because present before.  I love him so much and I can't wait to move up there to be with him.

Speaking of which it should happen sooner than I planned because I got bumped up to full time and then some.  This holiday season I am going to be working my ass off almost everyday.  But its good money and if I save it right then I can move up there early next year (January or February). 

So, I found out my Aunt died on Monday.  It's sad but I didn't really kmnow her.  Last time I saw her I was probably less than 10 years old.  But i used to be very close to her daughter, Heather.  I wish I could make it to the funeral service but I have to work.  Is that crappy of me?  I kinda feel like it is.

Well, I'm am going to go to the gym that me and Des just joined.  We'll see how that goes.  I wish I wasn't so busy so I could write more.  I haven't been writing much lately.

I've felt like such crap lately!!!  Headaches all the time and my dreams are getting worse.  They seem to be about me dying lately.  Maybe I'm trying to tell myself something. 

Steve has been making me feel like he takes me for granted.  I had so much to talk to him about yesturday (The little kittens died and it was just such a bad day) but he was playing video games and couldn't talk.  I guess its my fault and I can't really get mad at him.  I should've told him that I needed to talk to him, how else would he know but I didn't feel like reaching out to anyone, I wish someone was just there.  Lately he always has company over and can never talk except for when I want to go to bed.  And do I stay up?  Yes, because I want to talk to him.  However, it's backfired right up my asshole because now he expects me to and I don't want to anymore.  I want him to make plans for me and not have me sit around all day waiting for his ass to call me. 

I'm so stressed lately because I have to start helping V with her wedding (I'm the maid of Honor ), I'm going to be working more, I've been fighting with Des more  and this crap with these little kittens that broke my heart.  It's the saddest thing ever.  I just want to pull out all of my hair and don't even ask how I deal with the little stuff because to that I say 'merda' I'm not dealing with that crap now.

God, I gotta get back to work, I always get so tired around this time...

Want to get a free iPod?  Just click on the link and you could get a brand new iPod.  I tried this and mine is being shipped to me now.  It's awesome!

So yesturday was mine and Steve's 7 monther.  He is so sweet.  I'm so glad that things are settling back down.  I missed him so so so much.

On another note, Tony came up from Florida today.  Him and Des are at the house and it will be fun to finally meet him.  I am currently at work and I know I haven't written in such a long long time but I promise I will start to write more. 

Here's a lil pic to leave you with what has been occupying my days (and nights):



This is my newest craving, Brendan Fehr.  You probably know him from Roswell (he played Michael Guerin, very well I might add...)

Well, I know it's been a while since I've written but so much has happend and is happening.  I don't really have time to write right now either but I'll get back to all this when I'm ready.  TTFN.....

Today are the finals.  Steve's last day of shows.  He'll still be there for a few more days but I predict he should be home in about 3 days.  They are in 11th place right now which is better than last year.  I was watching their show online and I really wish I could've seen it.  It looks good.  At least I got to see him.  I miss you baby, lots and lots....


He's the one in the top row (right corner) with the green and yellow hat on.  Ya know, the tan, hot one ....

Anywho, tonight I am going to take some sleeping pills that will help me get my sleeping schedule back on track.  I'll be asleep by 10pm...Whoa, that is so early but oh well, I don't want to be late on my first day of work.

Now I'm off to make some chocolate chip pancakes!

~SIGH~

So I made a new journal (you can visit me there).  I still sometimes use my Blurty journal.  I'm going to turn that into a dream journal (I have been having the most fucked up dreams and I want to start keeping track of them.)  And I also have a Live Journal that I haven't ever used but want to.  I think I am going to keep track of quotes and lyrics and thoughts of the such in that journal.

So that's that.  Now I am in charge of all 3 damn journals that I have. 

*sigh*

I make everything such a project!  But such is Erin.....

I need to go running
I need to do more pilates
I need to meditate
I need to write more
I need to get regular sleep habits
I need to practice yoga on a more regular schedule
I need to talk to Steve
I need to call my sisters
I need to get a second job

I need to start now

?!?

I dyed my hair last night and I didn't realize how much hair I had, or how long it had gotten.  It being summer I keep it up mostly now from as soon as I get out of the shower.  I think only one time in my life was it longer, when I was 5ish, dunno, but it was down to my butt and then my mom cut it.  Or something like that.  I was 5, I don't really remember.

Anywho, The museum called me and asked if I could work there again.  I gladly accepted, it was great working there!  In the center of Manhattan, a couple blocks away from Central Park (I ate there with Jeff for lunch, he doesn't work too far away from there).  It was almost a year ago and Marie said that people still talk about me, that I was a hard worker and the such.  I loved working there, the people were so nice and caring, the nicest anywhere, even SCARC,  (Not including my guys...but they are much nicer than the administration...).  I start on Monday (10-6), this is exciting for me! 

A scaled down picture of the award winning architecture of the museum:





Now, I made out a list of all the things I need to talk to Steve about and its a full page long.  His sister emailed me and said that if I talk to him I should tell him to call her mom, I hope everything is ok.  The thing is that I do tell him to call his rents, I'm sure they miss him as much, if not more, than I do.  I hope he calls soon, I really miss him...If he doesn't though I will be able to talk to him in about a week, when he gets home and gets my 20 something letters. 

So, I think that's all I have to report for now, I'd like to talk about other things but I scare myself when I do, not to mention the people around me.  So, I will hold it in for a later date...

I left Counter Stike and Splinter Cell in Jersey and I'm kicking myself because of it.  I can't imagine wtf I"m supposed to do now without them!  I started to get hives (almost) knowing that I can't play them for 5 more days!  This is terrible!  I could read...I'm almost done with Helter Skelter (only 300 pages left-that's less than half!).  But I'm afraid to read anymore becuase I'm getting hypnotized by Mr. Manson, I fear a crush is starting....  He is enchanting and I scare people when I start to talk about him or the 'situation'.  It's sick, I know.  He killed more than 10 people and has spent more than 3/4 his life in jail (he spent 17 years in jail even before the murders-if I calculated it right he has spent more than 50 years in jail) but he's very, I don't know the word but I can describe it as trans-like.  I'm going to stop now....

I have a bunch of 'That 70's Show' episodes I could watch (we have a DVR).  God, Topher Grace is so hot!  See:

So, I'm in Jersey and I got back from spending a weekend with my two friends, Nicoll and Tom, in the woods.  They are engaged and very much in love.  It was nice to be around people who are very commited to each other (even though it was sad to think about Steve at that point).  I was having doubt in my head about this whole thing with Steve but after talking to Des I realized that a little patience will take me far (posibly take me to everything I want).  I miss you so much, hun. 

I have also been thinking a lot about my life in the future (which I never do).  I realized a few minor and a few major things.  I realized that I want to be a teacher and as soon as I have enough money I'm going to go back to school to do so.  I also realized that I want to adopt a baby (when the time comes).  I want to be a vegetarian again.  I want to be with a passionate person who supports me and my wacky ideas.  I want to live in a nice apt or a condo when I get married and save the house for when the kids are born or even for our retirement (I'd like to move a lot or at least visit a lot of places).  I know this doesn't sound like a lot to figure out but for me it is.  I didn't have any idea of what I wanted but after Being with Nic and Tom, who have their whole life planned out, I realized it's at least nice to have some goals, something to shoot for.  I tend to be impulsive and make desicions without thinking and I expect that to still happen but on the way to my ultimate goals.  I welcome change and am excited to see what happens...

Now to call the NJ DMV AGAIN because they suxors....



Nicoll and Tom proving their love to each other by biting each other...

I just give up.  I can't do this anymore.

On another note, I read Helter Skelter right before I went to bed and it gave me horrid dreams.  In my dreams I saw my mom and my little sister get their heads get cut clean off by a skinny boy with short brown hair.  I woke up gasping and almost crying.  I learned my lesson: to not read that book after dark. 

So, I went to Giant's Stadium and saw Steve and then the next day I drove to PA to see him in Allentown.  I missed him so much, it was really nice to see him.  We talked and such and it just felt so good to be in his arms.  I wish that I could have that anytime I wanted.  It makes me want to fly to Canada tomorrow and suprise him for when he gets back (he actually wont be back untill August 7th).  I didn't get a chance to see his show, I wish I did but we were late both nights and didnt get a chance.  I know it would have been good, he's been practicing very hard and it will all pay off for him.

Anywho, I'm back in NY but not for long, I have to go back to Jersey for Nicoll and Tom.  They act like they are married already, it's funny.

Then I plan to come back to NY and stay here untill Steve comes down, which won't be for about 7 months, probably.

On a lighter note, I went to Jersey and as we all know I always find ticks and such on me from playing in the woods and crap, well on this trip I found a tick and a leech on me from the lake.  I've only had a leech on me once before from when I went swimming in the lake.  It's so much nastier than I remembered.  It was a little leech but it was still sucking ALL OF MY FREAKING BLOOD! So gross!  Then I got bit by a spider on the inside of my knee.  AHHHHHHHH, I hate bugs, they suck so bad!  It's spider season and there were little spiders ALL over the place.  Some were cute but most were nasty!  I think this is the one that bit me, but im not sure...

 <---This picture shows them much, much larger than they really are!  And if it wasn't those spiders then it may have been this one:




I'll never know because I was sleeping.....

I have so much I need to do today and I'm gonna get going on it as soon as I get off this computer.  So, my dad found out I went to Canada and is very upset with me.  But that's expected.  I am just sad I hurt him.

Steve called this morning and it was nice for his voice to be the first voice I heard today.  Unfortunately I might not be able to see him as much as I planned.  With no money it's hard for me to get around, but I'll figure something out.

It's such a nice day out and I want to take AJ out to the park, I'll just add that to my list of things to do.  Des is sleeping, I hope she gets up soon so she can take him, doubtful though.

Well, I had fun in Jersey even though the last 5 hours of my trip was yelling and crying but that's what I get...

Now on to my tasks...wish this was one of them....

So, Steve called last night but I barely got to talk to him.  I'm getting used to not talking to him, I don't know if that's a good thing... Well, we'll see what happens tonight, I might not have good news to report tomorrow.

My scrapbook is complete!  I'm so happy to say, it took me two years to do and I can't stop looking at it!  I also added more pics in my photo album.

Anywho, I went and saw Vienna yesturday.  Naturally Pat was there and Marlena.  That was awesome, I got to see everyone!  V made dinner (it was very delish) and then we just sat and laughed through dessert.  Rosa came home and shoved a whole Ding Dong in her mouth while being chased by V, that was hilarious!  I love visiting them, they make me laugh so much!  I just don't stop!  I couldn't be happier that I introduced 2 people together.  I told Pat that was the reason I was born, to introduce Vienna to her future husband.

Today I am supposed to be chilling with Nicoll and Tom, maybe go to a movie or something not sure.  But tomorrow I'm going to a ball game and then on Friday I'm going to a water park (Mountain Creek) and on Saturday is Larry's Birthday Party.  So, I won't be writing in this for the next couple of days, although, I'll try to write tonight to bitch about what happend or to write how amazing Steve is...only time will tell...I'm a little scared...



I love him and I miss him soooooooooooooo much!

Let's see:

Came to NJ and went to mom's house.  I took care of Juliet, took her swimming in the lake and hung out with Nicoll and Tom.  We went to Walmart and Cupid's Treasure's.  That was hilarious!

Then we (me, Nicoll and Tom) went to go see Fahrenheit 9/11.  It was really good, but it made me cry since my bro is over in Iraq.  Hope he's ok.  I still believe no news is good news....

Then, today we had a BBQ at my dads house.  Nicoll and Brian came along with a poop-load of family members I dont even know.

I had a lot of fun and will for the rest of my time here!  I rented Big Fish and am gonna go watch it, after I call Des....


Merry Summer!

I updated my photo album with pictures from Coney Island:

 <-------Little Mr. Innocent (yeah right )



Well, I leave for Jersey today.  I've been trying to get a hold of my mom but no one is answering the phone.  She went into surgery yesterday and should be home by now, I just want to see how she is doing.  I wish someone would just pick-up...

-Sigh-  My mom just called me back.  She's ok, just tired and a little sore.  Thank God she's ok!  Now, I can stop worrying about her.

Well, I found out that my brother is in Iraq right now.  He's in the marines and was routed over there.  They gave us an address, so we are gonna write to him and make sure he's ok.

Well, I must go get ready to go down to Jersey.  I wish my allergies would stop acting up!

Holy crap, I just had the most amazing weekend!  On Saturday I went to the zoo, I wrote about that.  On Sunday we went to the promenade and watched the Macy's Fireworks on the East River.  Here are some fun facts about the show.  They had these neat fireworks that looked like happy faces!  They were pretty cool!

Then, today, we went to Coney Island and went swimming.  Then, when it started to rain we went to the NY Aquarium.  We saw sharks, seal, fish and jellyfish.  It was a blast.  After that we went back to the beach and got sunburned.  I took home so much sand in my butt!  I swear...Oh, and I had my first Philly Cheese Steak sandwich in 9 years!  It was good but weird, I don't remember them tasting like that, at all!

I had so much fun this weekend!  And Des is coming back tomorrow and I leave for Jersey on Wednesday.  Such a packed next couple of weeks I have...Thank God!

We went to the zoo and it rocked!  We saw a polar bear (although it was sleeping), penguins, an otter, birds, lots of monkeys and snakes (plus more).  It was a lot of fun.  AJ had the most excitement with the monkeys (we think those are his favorite).  I wanted to take home all of the animals, they were all so cute!  Made me want to be a vegetarian again.

Actually, I've been making meat and trying to eat it but yesturday I gave all my chicken to AJ. I just couldn't eat it.  I don't like eating meat, it keeps me well and I haven't had an attack since I started eating it again but I really don't like it.  (I got food poisoning from bacon and that used to be the one meat I loved to eat, but I can't eat it anymore).  I dunno, that is just one big uncomfortable mess for me...

Before ---->  After---->

So Steve didn't call last night either and we aren't going to be home tonight (fireworks), therefore I wont talk to him tonight either.  He'll probably call on Wednesday but that's when I leave for Jersey and I'll be gone for about 11 days.  So, it's going to be a while before I talk to him again.  Is this all just wasted energy?  I hope not...

17 Days to go...